The last Last Laugh
by Frank Fuller
& Jessica Swanson

Editor’s note: This issue of Southside Pride marks the end of the tenure of Frank Fuller and Jessica Swanson as editors. So for the readers’ edification, they sat down one day last week to record their observations on the state of journalism in the world today. This structure is, of course, a shameless ripoff of the technique film critics Ward Johnson and Steve Lang sometimes use, but Frank and Jessica are the editors, at least for a few more days, so tough.

Frank: Well, Jessica, to start, I just want to say that I have found you adequate in all respects. Working with you has also been adequate and it’s added a necessary but very adequate line to my resumé. So, what do you think of the state of journalism today?
Jessica: Well Frank, as you know, you’re my elder as well as a veteran in this biz, so in deference to you, I would describe the state of journalism today as adequate. For example, most newspapers are able to get words and pictures on the pages before distributing them to the general public. And most radio announcers broadcast in their native languages to their native countries. And most television newscasters have their make-up on before the tape starts rolling.
Frank: People on TV are quite well dressed, too. I suppose a lot of money and talent has gone into reaching that level of adequacy, so we probably should be proud to live in a country where such adequacy can be reached without thinking too hard. Now that you’ve experienced the exciting, fast-paced world of journalism, what would you like to share with the youth of the country?
Jessica: Keep yer noses clean if you wanna go into politics. I hear that Republican National Committee sells this cleaner, a powder you can buy by the gram at most private Christian preparatory academies. You simply roll some of it up in a hundred-dollar bill, enter a bathroom stall and sniff. You’re on your way to the White House! What do you think Frank: Is successful journalism about the big picture or the small details?
Frank: Ha ha ha. Good joke, Jessica, very very adequate, but if someone calls from a Christian prep school, I’m not going to deal with it. To answer your question, it can be difficult getting all the little details right in a newspaper. So I’m happy if maybe 85-88 percent of the little things are right. But as an editor, you also have to think about what you don’t get right. If you get someone’s name wrong, well, only that person, a few of their friends, maybe their mom, notice. But get a date wrong or screw up the page numbers, and boy people just jump on you. So I’m just glad I almost always got the dates right — and for three and a half years! Talk about pressure! I think that puts us up there on a level with multi-national media corporations, TV stations, daily newspapers, etc. But back to the state of journalism today, Jess. How has your job here made you a better person?
Jessica: Well, as a big time journalist working at a multi-national media corporation, I would have to say my wardrobe is better. And the perks are endless and do wonders for my self-esteem. I mean, where else can you get free coffee all day plus muffins on Wednesday mornings? In addition to my vast corner office with a window, I have a phone that lights up like a Christmas tree and a chair that both rocks and swivels.
Frank: I have a nice desk, too. It’s going to be really hard to find a job with a desk as nice as the one I have now. Out of curiosity, what’s next for you?
Jessica: I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to follow up this job! They say that the average person has five careers in one lifetime, and I’ve already been a dogcatcher, a smoke detector, a telemarketer, a target marketer and a Chalupa slinger. Being an editor at Southside Pride has by far been the pinnacle, and it certainly seems like a swift and steep journey back down. I heard somewhere that there’s a highly competitive market for freedom fighters right now, resulting in astronomical wages and comprehensive benefits packages. I’m seriously considering a move in that direction. What do you think your next move might be?
Frank: I’ve had many careers, too. The worst was school bus driver. I’m still scarred from not being able to handle those little bastards. No way I’d go back to that. I think maybe it’s time to join the pack. Next time there’s a big media spectacle — you know, Monica, Elian, chads and dimpled ballots, whatever — I think I’ll do that. Just write about things everyone is already sick of and get a big fat paycheck. Maybe you and I should go out to the Fall of America and write a warm story about someone finding a scarf and bringing it to the Lost and Found. Or the Holidazzle parade. I don’t even know if any celebrities are involved in it. Are there? Who’s in town for the Holidazzle? Why don’t I know who’s in town for the Holidazzle? Am I even spelling Holidazzle right? How am I supposed to write about crap everyone’s sick of and get a big fat paycheck for it if I can’t even spell Holidazzle? I fear I’ll never be adequate — that’s my angst. One last question: Did I teach you well?
Jessica: Let’s see . . . I know which station all the bad movies are on; which corner of West St. Paul hosts the best corn and cheese stand; and how to best describe the senior editor in my upcoming novel (early thirties, full head of hair). I’d say your instruction has been well above adequate.
Frank: Well, I certainly have enjoyed the last three and a half years, except for a couple afternoons when some disgruntled readers, writers, publishers, illustrators, congress people and food columnists came by to complain. Oh well, you know what they say — you can’t please anybody any of the time.
Jessica: I have no doubt you’ll take the road not taken on your journey, Frank. Remember — no good deed goes unpunished! The best of luck to you!
Frank: You, too.