Tool of the month-the saw

by Jim Halbur

I am a pastor who works with families. I'd like to share some of the tools I know about for those trying to build strong families. My purpose is to help our community reduce domestic abuse, incarcerations, delinquency, poverty and depression, and increase education, social responsibility, connectedness and sense of belonging.

Tool #2-A Saw, used to cut off the rough edges.

A saw cuts off our rough edges to make us smoother so the glue/love has more surface area to adhere us together.

Rough edges make it difficult to bond people in love. Barb & Duane got married young and had a lot of rough edges. One of Barb's rough edges was alcohol. It made it difficult for her to feel love from her family, it would lead to destructive emotions of feeling unlovable and anger to the point that, in a drunken state, she would ask for a divorce and for her family to go away. With encourage-ment from her family she went into AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and then to treatment. Duane did not understand why she needed treatment since he came from a family with addictive behaviors. Because of that he could see past the rough edges and was in love with the person. Barb was a diamond in the rough. At this time they committed to love each other through cutting off this rough edge. One of Duane's rough edges was a beer fridge in the garage that he realized was addictive, that is, too important for him and his buddies—it came between him and his wife. He cut it off by getting rid of it and quit drinking altogether. Because they could see it would make a smoother surface area for love to bond them tighter, Duane and Barb applied the saw principle to cut off alcohol as well as other behaviors. As a result they are proud of being married 36 rewarding years. Both of their children are married and they have four grand kids.

Addictive behaviors of any kind are rough edges that can disrupt a family. Any activity, substance, object or behavior that has become the major focus of a person's life to the exclusion of other people (especially family) or other activities, or that has begun to harm the individual or others (especially family) physically, mentally or socially is considered an addictive behavior. Addictive behaviors try to take you places you did not want to go and keep you there longer than you wanted to stay, cost more than you wanted to spend and sometimes never bring you back. Only to wonder, what could my life have been like? Or what could my family have been like? The weight of an addictive behavior is a heavy weight on an individual, their family and their community. Family members can be hurt for generations.

So before it is too late, cut them off. Get professional help if you need to.
Besides addictive behaviors, the second rough edge to saw off is destructive emotional behavion Emotions do not always make decisions based on truth or fact and too often produce poor and destructive decisions. The most destructive emotions, such as anger, rage, fear, anxiety, greed, lust, gluttony, envy, jealousy, arrogance, laziness, worry, depression, are a rough edge that makes a love bond more difficult. So often they lead to hurting people we love and keep us from feeling love. They build resentment and bitterness in relationships. It does not have to be that way. So before it is too late, cut them off. Get professional help if you need to.

The third rough edge to saw off is hate. Cut off any hate for a person. Why would you hate someone? It is usually because of the person's hurtful addictive behaviors and destructive emotions directed toward us that we start to hate the person we really love. Hate the behavior not the person. Of course, if the hurtful behavior is dangerous and you don't feel safe, protect yourself, but continue to love the person. You may need professional advice.

So always love the person, which includes you and your family members. The reason you are part of their life is so you can believe in them. Encourage and love yourself and others through cutting off the rough edges. Remember you are lovable and so are those around you. Make it clear that you love the people in your family.

The next item in the tool box is a Pry bar—LUV (Listen, Understand, Validate). Watch for next month's column.

Jim Halbur is the pastor at Fountain of Life Gospel Church. He can be reached at 612-824-2731 or at flgcmpls@msn. com.