Tool of the month - the pry bar

BYJIMHALBUR

I am a pastor who works with families. I'd like to share some of the tools I know about for those trying to build strong families. My purpose is to help our community reduce domestic abuse, incarcerations, delinquency, poverty and depression, and increase education, social responsibility, connectedness and sense of belonging.

Tool #3 is the Pry Bar, which helps to listen, understand and validate.

All of us like to receive love. Love is the Glue that holds us together. A barrier to that love is when we believe people are not listening, don't understand or don't value what we think. How many times have we said to our spouse or children, "You are not listening!" or, "You don't understand!" or, "You don't care what I think!"? To fix this we need to think of prying open concerns, opinions or desires of those we love by effectively listening, understanding and validating. This is a powerful tool in bonding love.

Early in Jon and Ginas marriage, Jon thought it would be helpful to give Gina a break and cook a meal on occasion. Gina accepted and thought it was a loving thing for him to do. Jon put a lot of effort into making the meal and serving it. After the meal was done he thought that his contribution was complete. What he didn't include was the cleaning up and putting things away. Gina understood that when she made meals it also included the cleaning up and putting things away. After several times, Jon noticed that Gina did not seem as grateful as she typically would be if somebody did something loving for her.

When Jon questioned Gina about it, she said that her understanding of making a meal included cleanup and putting things away, because no one did that for her when she made the meal. She felt like she was still responsible because she was involved in the cleanup after Jon-'s meals. After validating Gina's idea of cooking a meal, Jon was able to make those changes, which allowed Gina to accept his meals in a loving and grateful way. Jon and Gina have been married for almost 14 years and he's a great cook, according to Gina.

It might seem like an easy task to listen. But it's more than just hearing the other person's words. For listening to be loving and effective we need to listen with the mindset that we sincerely want to understand. We need to listen with a loving heart, just as Jon and Gina did. Listening with a loving heart means we will listen the way we want to be listened to. When you share your feelings, you can help the listener by first making sure you have their attention, then speaking clearly and respectfully without misleading them. This is especially important with our children.

Our intent to understand needs to be as strong as our desire to be understood. This may require prying beyond what is initially heard. The goal in understanding is to know the '. mind of the other person as well as we can. We all process information differently. So it is good to repeat how you understand what you heard. Especially ask children, "What did I just say?" Jon could have expressed anger over Gina seeming ungrateful but did not. After it was obvious to Jon that something was not quite right, they had to compare what they both understood "cook a meal," to mean. Their willingness to get to the bottom of each other's perspectives was the pry bar tool that solved an issue in a loving way, without any domestic abuse.

Validating is expressing value for the concerns, opinions or desires of the other person. This is so important in a loving relationship because we will not always agree even after we understand. If you disagree, affirm your love for each other and work toward a resolution. Get professional help if you get stuck. Gina validated Jon's understanding of making a meal by not belittling him even though she understood it differently. Jon came to fully validate Gina once he truly understood her mind. They could have stopped at Jon's understanding, because cooking a meal for Gina was still a loving thing to do. Yet they created a deeper love bond because they used the pry bar.

The next tool is a "First Aid Kit," which is resources.
Jim Halbur is the pastor at Fountain of Life Gospel Church.
He can be reached at 612-824-2731 or at flgcm-pls@msn.com.