Tool of the month— the hammer

BY JIM HALBUR

I am a pastor who works with families. I’d like to share some of the tools I know about for those trying to build strong families. My purpose is to help our community reduce domestic abuse, incarcerations, delinquency, poverty and depression, and increase education, social responsibility, connectedness and sense of belonging.

Tool # 5 is a Hammer. You may be thinking, “Finally a tool I can use to knock some sense into someone.” Please loosen your grip on the hammer and hear me out. This tool is used more as a figure of speech, as in “hammer out the differences.” The love bond in a relationship can get strained when we disagree and do not want to talk about it, when we don’t want to hammer out an agreement. Many people believe healthy relationships should have nothing to work out. It should not be so difficult. We should never disagree. Well, that is not true of meaningful, long lasting relationships.

Blaine and Marcie found this out before they got married. Blaine wanted to get married to Marcie at a young age. Marcie wanted to wait three years until she graduated from high school. Many men would not have waited around, but this couple had in common a love bond. He knew that disagreement does not mean disappear.

They both wanted to get married, just not at the same time. So instead of giving up on the relationship, they hammered out that difference and got married upon Marcie’s graduation.

Not long after being married, Marcie wanted a credit card. Blaine did not think it was a good idea. This disagreement took longer to thoroughly hammer out. Agreeing to disagree, Blaine said OK, but you are responsible for it. It was not long before the payments became too much, and Blaine’s idea to just stick to the checkbook was the final agreement.

Sometimes you have to maintain your love bond by agreeing to disagree and allowing a decision to fail. This does not equal a failed relationship. (The same is true with our children.)

After being married for some time, Blaine and Marcie were considering which house to purchase. Marcie liked a four-bedroom house because of the space, and Blaine liked a three-bedroom because it was built better. However, for Marcie, the drawback to the three-bedroom was the knotty pine in the kitchen and one bedroom. Marcie absolutely did not like knotty pine, not even if it was only in the basement. To hammer out an agreement on this one, Blaine literally used a real hammer. Blaine agreed to pry off the knotty pine in the two rooms and hammer up new wall covering, so Marcie could agree on the three-bedroom house. They still live in this house.

Personality strengths and weaknesses not hammered out can weaken the love bond in relationships. Blaine is gifted in wisdom and can see the big picture and so is a decision maker and fairly stern. Marcie is gifted with mercy, that is, genuine compassion and empathy, for people’s emotional, mental and physical well-being. Her ability to see the big picture was blurred by mercy for those impacted by the decision. This meant that when it was easy for Blaine to make a decision even if it offended someone, Marcie would try to avoid a decision if it was going to offend someone. Each other’s personality could have been a continual embarrassment. They had to hammer out understanding of each other’s personality. They learned that often what is perceived as a weakness is really a God-given gift slightly out of balance. Marcie could help Blaine be less harsh while making a decision. Blaine could help Marcie, while showing mercy, be more practical in making a decision. Blaine also had to learn to describe the details that would help Marcie see the big picture. (You can take personality evaluations online.)

As you can see, hammering out the differences is a part of any healthy, long lasting relationship. Blaine and Marcie have gotten plenty of experience. They have been married 56 years, have two children and five grandchildren.

The next tool is a Band Aid, to protect wounds so they can heal.