Family Tool Box—the tape measure

BY JIM HALBUR

I am a pastor who works with families. I’d like to share some of the tools I know about for those trying to build strong families. My purpose is to help our community reduce domestic abuse, incarcerations, delinquency, poverty and depression, and increase education, social responsibility, connectedness and a sense of belonging

Families need love to hold them together. Families start with Moms and Dads. A useful tool for couples is the tape measure, used to measure the love skills that matter. What makes us think we love someone or that we are loved? How do we measure our love for each other? So often when trying to deepen the love bond, we measure things that really don’t matter. Do we measure our love by comparing it to laughing families on television? Do we measure it primarily by the things we buy for each other?

I would suggest that honoring each other is the first love skill to measure because it matters most. Happiness comes out of having a lot of it. Honoring each other builds mutual value, love, respect and esteem; it helps each partner recognize the other person’s value and protect their reputation. Couples who honor each other say every day, “I’m looking out for your best interests.”

In a recent interview with my friends John and Sharon, they explained how early in their relationship they recognized what each other’s weaknesses were and where they were vulnerable. If they hadn’t honored each other, they could have used this knowledge to wound each other, physically or emotionally. Instead, they used this knowledge to give each other extra support.

A relationship without honor usually can’t make it. Honoring each other brought John and Sheron through the difficulties of changing workloads and child rearing. When Sharon chose to honor herself by going back to college, John didn’t feel diminished by taking on more of the home chores, such as laundry and bill-paying. Bill-paying was an easy switch since they had one bank account and no secrecy. Honor needs no secrets.

Communication is the second most important love skill to measure.

ommunication stimulates understanding, sharing, unity, cooperation and vision; it teaches the next generation. John and Sharon make a concerted effort to talk to each other. Sometime they would go to a coffee shop or continue a conversation parked in front of their house, where they were alone and without distractions. Before they retired, they typically called each other during the day, as work allowed, just to communicate. The interests they didn’t have in common they pursued separately but always related their experiences. Communication is a love skill that creates a healthy flow.

Time spent together is the third most important love skill to measure. I have made countless hospital visits and officiated many funerals and never had anyone say they spent too much time with the ones they love. The opposite is too often true. Time spent together develops connectedness, value, security and memories. John and Sharon, along with their children, measured countless hours volunteering in the community: radio talking book, block club, neighborhood council and other political initiatives. John’s time spent as civil rights commissioner eliminated prejudice from their family values. They ate their meals together as much as possible to keep the connectedness. Memories were built through yearly small trips to the North Shore.

Meeting each other’s needs is the fourth most important love skill to measure. Everyone has a basic need for honesty, trustworthiness, commitment to each other, value of opinions/thoughts/beliefs, shared decision-making, verbal and physical tenderness, honor, communication and time. John and Sharon were willing to make the necessary sacrifices. They faced adversity almost immediately after they were married. Many would have thrown away the tape measure. However this was their opportunity to strengthen their love bond. They were faced with decisions to measure each other’s needs and try to meet them the best they could. They met each other’s needs through at least 20 different hospitalizations and surgeries, which included open heart surgeries, surgery for scar tissue, back surgery, cancer and life threatening allergic reactions. Each helped meet each other’s emotional needs through the loss of a close personal friend to suicide. When an alcoholic parent needed a place to stay temporarily the need was measured and lovingly met. Every need met is another foundational brick in a house of love.

John and Sharon will celebrate their 42nd year of marriage this year. You too, can build a strong loving family. Don’t give up, don’t let up! Take the tape measure out of the family tool box and measure into your family the love skills that strengthen the love bond: honor, communication, time spent together and meeting each other’s needs.