BY JIM HALBUR

"You bought what?" "I get embarrassed when I am late!" "I am not comfortable with that!" When Jacki and Jerrell don't consider each other's feelings, their relationship becomes unbalanced, uneven, not level. We will see how Jerrell and Jacki decided they needed to use one of the tools in their toolbox--the level. When things were unbalanced they were being selfish and unfair. That led them to be unhappy at times when deep down they were really in love.

Punctuality is important to Jacki. Arriving late to events was very embarrassing. She felt that she always needed to give a reason for being late. This was stealing happiness from her relationship with Jerrell because, to her, there really was not a good reason. Jerrell was not as stressed about arriving late and actually thought that Jacki was too anxious. After discussion they agreed the easiest way to level this area was for both of them to move closer to the center. Jerrell did so by never allowing himself to be late to any of Jacki's functions that were on her calendar. And Jacki would not get anxious and lose happiness if the event was something on his schedule.

Jerrell's family had never owned a house and moved often. Jacki was in the same house from the time she was born to the time she got married to Jerrell. So buying a house was another area where they needed to find balance. It was more comfortable and less stressful for Jerrell to make a short-term rent payment rather than a higher house payment with utilities and taxes. Jacki was more of a long-term planner and saw the benefits and stability of buying a home. It was time to level. They accomplished this by Jacki allowing Jerrell the time he needed to let go of unwarranted stress. Then after two years they agreed to buy a house, since it was best for their whole family; by this time they had one child and another one on the way.

Jacki's life had been pretty consistent, without many abrupt changes, including friendships. Jerrell's life was all about change and he was OK with that, but it made Jacki feel a bit insecure or uncertain of what would happen next. From past experience they remembered that if each one moved a bit closer to the center it would be easier to even things out. So Jerrell agreed to make decisions in all areas with stability and long-term consequences in mind. This included major purchases, which they now discuss beforehand. And Jacki trusts change a bit more and is more willing to step outside of her comfort zone. This includes willingness to cultivate new friendships.

Like many couples, agreeing on a place to worship together is an area of compromise. This one was difficult. Both had attended one place of worship their whole life. To level this out they got to the point where they were willing to find a totally new place of worship. As they considered the issue further, Jacki believed it would affect her less, so she decided she would go to the place of worship where Jerrell went and they now go as a family. When there was a special occasion they would attend her place of worship.

Jerrell & Jacki realized the key to compromise, equalizing, and balancing their needs was a willingness to move closer to the other.

The next tool is the power cord.

Jim Halbur is a pastor who works with families. In The Family Tool Box he describes some of the tools that help to build strong families. His purpose in writing about them is to help our community reduce domestic abuse, incarcerations, delinquency, poverty and depression, and increase education, social responsibility, connectedness and sense of belonging.