Family Tool Box #12: Big containers

BY JIM HALBUR

In the basement we have a tool box full of the tools we need to build a strong family: love, the glue that holds the family together; a saw to cut off the rough edges; the hammer to hammer out the differences, and so on.  Next to the tool box are other important containers: the garbage cans and the storage bins. Some hold what we don’t want, and some hold what we do.

Let’s talk first about what we don’t want. When building or remodeling a house there is always cleanup required. If we left cut-off 2 x 4s, sawdust, drywall mud and insulation lying around it would make our home very uncomfortable. In the same way, to build a loving relationship we have to look around and identify unloving behaviors we need to throw into the garbage can.

Gary and Jean have been married 16 years. Using the garbage can has helped their marriage a lot. Gary remembers, “Several years ago I had a job opportunity that I felt would be a good idea to take.  Jean discouraged me from taking it and a couple weeks later I was laid off I harbored resentment toward Jean even though she had our best interests as a family in mind.  For several years I nurtured this resentment and used it as a weapon whenever we had conflict … This resentment and ‘unforgiveness’ was serving as ‘garbage’ that needed to be discarded because it made our home a very difficult place to live ...” 

Jean recalls, “Over the years I have had a tendency to be anxious about Gary’s career in sales.  As time has passed I have learned to discard my anxiety and it has freed Gary up to be more productive and successful and made our relationship more successful.” 

Gary identifies more garbage,  “… my quick temper.  At times it can make Jean and our kids less likely to approach me for fear of making me angry.  As I seek to deal with my anger, I will become more approachable, which will bring our family closer.” Jean also identifies some ongoing garbage. “I need to realize that I can not make Gary into exactly the type of person I want him to be … If I can let this go it will free me up to allow my husband to be who he is and take the pressure off me to ‘reform’ him.” 

Jean and Gary have learned it is important to identify and take out garbage on a regular basis. And it is important to never dig discarded items out of the garbage.

The storage bins contain what we want to keep. The love in our relationship can be strengthened by sharing and saving good memories, reminding us that this relationship has enjoyed loving times and has good things to build on.
Gary says, “As corny as it sounds, our family vacations have created great memories.  Spending many hours together on the road can have its challenges, but it also creates a closeness that generates long-lasting memories.” And Jean says,  “The way I express love and feel loved is through gift giving and receiving.  When Gary gets me a gift that I was not expecting it makes me feel loved.  On one occasion I surprised Gary with an out-of-town weekend on our anniversary.  It is a weekend that is remembered fondly by both of us.”

The storage bin never gets too full of good memories. It doesn’t hurt to plan for new good memories to save. Looking ahead, Gary says,  “I would like to spend a long-overdue weekend away at a Bed and Breakfast with Jean.” And Jean states,  “I would like to exercise together and be active together as we improve our health.”

Jim Halbur is a pastor who works with families.